Anticipation

So I'm sitting here at my computer trying to organize this blog, thinking about what all it should encompass, meanwhile the surrounding desk and the rest of my bedroom appears to have vomited everything that I own into a shamble of clothes, books, papers that are probably extrememely important, a few action figures and a frisbee. So all in all, nothing too surprising.

Except that I've been stressing out all day. Despite all the productive packing and cleaning and organizing and shopping, I can't get over this looming feeling that no matter how much I get done, it isn't enough. There's something I'm not packing that I should be, there's a phone call I forgot to make, there's a check I forgot to write, there's people I'm forgetting to see. Maybe it's just the normal pre-three-month-trip-to-a-country-I've-never-seen-jitters, or maybe it's the self-confidence that I've lost from the countless costly mistakes and forgotten necessities. Either way, it seems that I've made the error once again of properly preparing further ahead of time, and I've come down to crunch time still unprepared and unwilling to leave.
I mean, what causes this? I'm supposed to be going on the trip of a lifetime, something I've been slowly planning for months and months, something that I wanted, that I still want. So why did I wait so long to pack? Why did I ignore all those delightful e-mails designed to prepare me for exactly what's happening right now? What am I so scared of? I've been out of the country before and survived, so what's the deal?
I think out of all the crap that's thrown around in my room, some of it probably lost forever in the endless abyss that is under my bed, the one thing that I'm missing the most.....is my BACKBONE. I think I'll find it before I leave on Monday, though. Probably hiding under the big pile of papers that I think are my tax returns....I just wish I had it now. I wish I knew exactly what I need to do, knew what I need to finish before I leave the U.S., and knew exactly how to do it.
But then again, where's the adventure in that? And that's what all this is supposed to be about right? Having an adventure from day one. Maybe having my backbone is just that: not knowing. Maybe it's being sure of nothing except that I'm going to make mistakes and that things are going to be far from perfect, and going through with it anyway. With experiences like these we just have to be as smart as we can with what we have, try to enjoy ourselves, and not ask for anything more. I don't think any amount of guide books, helpful e-mails or even previous international trips are going to fully prepare me for what I will find when I land in the Land of the Scots, but I think I can manage to have a good time.

Backbone, backbone....yup, found it. Now what'd I do with my passport?